|
» This is my story, this is my song. If you feel it, muthafucka, you can’t go wrong. To the screw-face ni**az, whatchu on? Get off that, get a goal and focus dog. See, I’m what you need, you fiendin’ now. Ask around and I’ll bet you figure out. How to zone and control your future while. Yeah. I think I’m in the future too. I’m unlike fools, who precede the jewels. To be like them, I be like who. I be like me, Mr. K-i-d S-o-l-o D-o-l-o. See the lord adore me. He met me half way. ‘Not guts, no glory’ I always say. So until I reach what I came here to find. Along with inner peace, life will always be a grind. One day I’ll be what the world want me to be. I was born to be super duper Scott. The one bad bitches call super duper lame. Now super duper fame gives me super duper brains. 86 to Cape, but I’m super duper high. Soarin passed the moon I’m super duper lonely guy «
the LATEST the DEALIO my PARTNAS take FLICKS extra BIZNESS ©
|
|
| ...SKLX UP... |
[ Jun the 1st] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 not pleasant |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
FUCK YO HOOD » glasses malone |
] |
They got me up in here doing bitch work instead of cleaning the paper with a pencil. That's coo'. I'll show those muthafuckas what it is once I retrieve this coffee. Makes me wanna deface the side of the building off this bull alone. And man...really a babysitter is needed in the building. I can't allow Taj to kick back sliding all over the place on the board like he Tony Hawk. Once I'm done with this right here? I'm heading out somewhere to mix business maybe get back up on that apartment search because I refuse to head back to the hotel and chill out. Anyways like MLK, set me free for the day. Something. One
|
|
|
|
[ May the 31st] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 out of bounds... |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I KNOW « jay-z |
] |
» ...I am so DOPE. Like Louboutin's with the red bottoms. You gotta have 'em, you glad you got 'em. Like every color Giuseppe's, your guilty pleasure is me. Its so much fun, you shun therapy. Although it never be, the feeling is fleeting. Shopping's like coppin', you constantly need it. I'm never around, you constantly seek it. You'll never be down, i know where your peak is. 9 1/2 weeks is better than 12-steps. I keep tryin' to remind you to keep tellin' yourself. Now your conscience is interfering, like "Better yourself!" Like you better get help. But when that medicine's felt? We're back together. Don't ever leave me. Don't ever let 'em tell you that you'll never need me. My China White, 'til we D.O.A. Its Montego forever, baby, lets get away. And I Know And I Know. And I Know And I Know. And I Know And I Know. And I Know And I Know. I know what you like. Everything you love. I know what you like. Everything you love... « |
|
|
|
| ...Great Oppertunities...DALE! |
[ May the 23rd] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 accomplished |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
DANCING ON ME « dj webstar ft. jim jones, juelz, & remo |
] |
One day in Manhattan while Taj and I were seeing the sights this cat came up to me trying sell some sick ass decks. I don't skateboard but Taj tries to so I thought about grabbing one for him. It was too big for him to handle. Instead I asked this cat who was he selling to so he pointed me out to this small office right in East ny. Brooklyn. This company is just starting up out here but mega extra major over in L.A. & Oakland. That's Cali, dig? So dude and I were conversing about the prospects of various art work to be viewed on different mediums. Myself it really doesn't matter where I draw, paint on. As long as there is enough space then I'm straight. He hit me off with an appointment card to meet up with his bosses sometime early last week. I took the train out that way instead of hitching rides off my partnas and got to the office. Man, soon as the kid came through I see this space that had nothing but skate decks, and other boarding accessories. One of that dude's bosses was straight up surf dude. You know how they look? Right and he had a nice hand with the pencil as well. We spoke about the company's goals, how they wanted to expand more into that culture in nyc since I know more than few boogie on some boards. They were looking for signature looks as far as the art aspect is concerned. So I was digging a lil' sumpthin' from the presentation. So glad it wasn't formal. I hate interviews because their so constricting to me. I can't give an employer my five cents and personality in an atmosphere like that. Check though, I spoke to his art director who has a team back west. Lucky me had the opportunity to show him my unfinished portfolio. Its mostly photographs of the things I've tagged or painted. There are some digital pieces there but it's limited because of my lesser knowledge with the proper applications. I stay with Illustrator most times if I feel the need to convert hardline sketches to the mac. Yeah so he flipped through the joints digging everyone of them which surprised me to be honest. I wasn't going in there fully confident because as a person who knows about their own work, you are your worst critic. So anything you do might feel below a five out ten. Brett is who initially pushed me to the idea of coming out here to work with them since they needed a fresh mind going. So why not? Nothing was really popping off back in New York. I was working dumb long hours for less pay than I was entitled to. Besides my tio was cheap as fuck.
These spontaneous moves aren't my bag but it had to happen. I'm a young cat trying to make it out in this world for my son and also myself. I put one long term opportunity behind me because of the pressures in that environment was messing up the focus I had going on. Anyone who has many responsibilities which do not include yourself can say that it's a rough deal to go along with. Nothing is ever easy, and it really does not get easier when you have someone dependent on you. Like I was discussing situations with Yaya on those late nights when sleep was unavailable. Normally we're not the type to get along because of whatever. Though staying with her for the short period of time has put her in a new light, I feel. Its unfortunate that we had to be raised in seperate households since that did contribute to the disconnection that was between us. I'm the baby, yeah but having your older siblings around is a want. For me it was. I was lucky enough to even be raised by someone period. So yeah we talked heavy on Taj's moms and how the stunts she pulls isn't fair. It's not when you look at it. And those that know of the situation will say the same thing. How can a mother not want to have nothing to do with their child? Her peoples never slapped that shit into her head about it. It makes me wonder, do they not care as well either? I'm like whatever at this point because I reached out to her since she hadn't made some effort to see the kid she birthed. We had it out over the hotline for the simple fact that I was willing to head back to Chicago in order for Taj to see that bitch before we were to fly to L.A. Nothing was resolved from that phone call besides more frustration added to the dislike I have for that bird. On all levels, this is the one thing I would have never expected to go through. Look I'm barely twenty-two out this mug, and my hands are full. Man, I don't complain much really except for that fact. Why did I end up picking her? On some positive moves right now. I'm grateful anyways that big sis looked out for us when she could have pointed down with the finger trying tell right from wrong.
Don't get it twisted, I can do the same because no one has room to feel as if they're perfect. The world isn't like that. By no means. What would I seem like, if I walked around as if I'm that dude? Too much of a contradiction going on. One of those days was Mother's day? I called Karen's dippy ass up to wish her that sentiment. She was too thrilled to hear my voice. I can't say much bad about her but that's the moms so you love her no matter what. I think Yaya went to go see her, not positive. I sent her some recent pics of Taj since she asked about him much. Glad she doesn't shun what's part of her family either. I'm waiting for father's day to roll around. Too many ideas going on about that. I gotta get Pops something for sticking his neck out for me, for all of these years. Plus being supportive with his grandson. Dude know he loves him some lil man. Back to what it does. Brett and his team are looking out heavy so we should have a decent place to stay by next week. For now it's just a hotel I have to pay out of pocket but will be supplemented on it soon enough. I started on a few joints during the late nights, but I have yet to finish them since this kid has been off the wall lately. I hope he gets used to it really. Damn the one thing I can say is that I don't have to worry about a babysitter during clocked hours. He'll come with and we can hang out like we usually do since PARALLEL VERSE is nothing but a skate store-warehouse and offices that are unconventional. Nothing formal about the shit at all. I have yet to take on the sights of this place but it's looking dumb nice already. You know I'll have to fine a mami out here to connect with on one of those levels. My partna in crime will help with that hopefully. Anyways let me refresh this ink and head back to what I do so well. ONE
|
|
|
| ...Sink or Swim... |
[ Apr the 15th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
ASHLEY'S FAT ASS |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
CAMPUS KINGPIN » Chester French ft. Pusha-T |
] |
This is how it goes for the zero-nine. As the times move faster than you can pick up on, you have the choice to either fall with the mach speeds or get left behind. Those were the options that presented themselves smack dab in my face. As much as I would like to keep it kosher with retaining my courses, working, and being a papo, one had to get dropped. To that unfortunately, school was left behind. Since that decision had been made to pull out, my dad wanted to break those bones within my neck. Hey, I can always get into classes this summer at some artsy fartsy school here in the big apple. When I get to that, I'll get to that but for the current I need to associate myself with the lack of puss in my life. Serious as a heart attack. I'm dying over here, and Tatyana's skank bop' of a friend acting as if I can't put it down. Yo, give me some credit. My rap is never on whack, and she was lucky I approached her with some sort of respect given she has none for herself if she hangs out with Yaya. That's the sis' and all but we all know who she is and what she is about. M.O.E. That's all she cares to live for. On one hand I don't blame her because we all have to get in where we fit in, but be more creative and less slutty about getting your ends, feel me? My bad for being so open but isn't this what a journal is for? My points exactly. It was something tough leaving behind mi familia back home but I have the rest out here. Odd as it sounds, I'm in love with the girl next door. Well let's pretend I am. Really I just want to spend the night at her place. Rewind. I don't want to get to know her at all but smash and then leave after. It is that severe. I've been good, though. Behavior wise. Left the drinking because my stomach is weak off those shots. Spilling your breakfast, lunch, snack, and dinner does not cut it. Sad times but it's the next best thing to turn to when life gets heavy. It has been but that's what happens. Rolling back, I have to recall the craziness that was going on back home. Such as the funeral for the boy Leo. Pop and his peoples helped out Leo's moms with that service. It was a strong presence of people there that is always expected, you know?
After the services I partially helped with hooking up a memorial of sorts at the spot he caught that slug. It was a hang out near the old projects we used to end up shooting ball. I think that place is being tore down anyways from the bad shape it was in but yeah, it took me about a week to sketch out the concept for it and one of my classmates did what it do on the spray paint tip. It came out tight, but yeah my ace is missed like that. His girl and her kids were thinking about moving back to Chicago just to be with his moms but I'm not too sure about that. Sad sad. That grieving period is rather cold to even withstand so I know how they're doing. I called back a few days ago just to see how they were holding up. Moving on. This move is possibly temp but who knows? Harlem shows love depending if you show it back and Tio Ruben opened up his spot because I'm good like that. Since I reached out here, I've just been working and helping little man get situated but you can tell he's indifferent about the move. Somewhat becoming a recluse but is live whenever I get home or Tio's youngest stops by. She's only what like fourteen? So he needs to be around other kids. This daycare situation is driving me into a wall. Around this year, most slots are filled up. Some places are ran out of their homes and I'm not trusting of that. That's just how I am. So I'm real into digging up info on where my son gets placed where he'll be chilling for hours while I work, feel me? For now he's either here with my sister or with Tio's wifey. On that note, she be looking right for an older woman. Eek my bad. Focus, man. Keep focus. I guess I'll have to use up my next day off in order to see about a few places she referred me to.
Work is work. I have to provide some way, and that's on two incomes at the moment. Tio's spot and at Footlocker. I enjoy rocking to the latter but it isn't a career choice. Feel me? In the upcoming months, I should have a stack to pay for some credits. Possibly see about getting aide transferred to a different school since I just ended the semester voluntarily. Sometimes I think that could have been a dumb choice but what can you do? It should pay off eventually and it is not like I'll be putting off a higher education to waste away my life. It's not like that at all so I can do better with this newer situation. Whatev', back to what was started on in the first place. I believe in warning someone when I'm about to make it happen but there's no telling how Ashley will front on me. She acts like she doesn't hook up on the regular when I know she does. Easy. Piece of cake but yo, I need to see about this phone call. One.
|
|
|
| ...Body Bags... |
[ Mar the 12th] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 DOWN |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
SLIPPIN' » dmx |
] |
His name was Leonard Goode, but we all knew him as Leo, or Rocky. The kid had that drive about him. Like Stallon in all of his flicks, Leo did it mega big like that. We used to shoot hoops during middle school, highschool, and the small afterschool leagues. His mom used to freak off with my dad so you can imagine the stories about how we used to kick it at his moms when I was younger. Nice woman. Wished my mom was like her. She knew about what a parent was about and worked double hard to provide for her sons. One of them being Leo. The kid was prahlee about two years older than myself so I could identify with his maturity at the time. Unlike his older brother, Leo wanted to be a proballer. His dream was almost there until an injury caused that to shatter. Instead of hustling backwards like his older brother did, he went off to a school in Atlanta. Everyone was rooting for ole boy, especially myself. I seen a piece of Benny in that cat, so much that I appreciated the dude more. Real talented besides the smarts he held. That was about three years ago and now? Homie just recently flatlined. It blew my mind knowing about that. This was suppose to be a man doing right by his family, his girl, and his inherited kids. All in a turn around black is gone? Got me messed up for minute because this is a person I personally knew, feel me? By no means were we close, tight knit but we kept in contact. Damn. The good die young. That's the reality of some places, especially where we come from. It was crazy explaining this to Poppo when I reached his place this evening. Pulling in that long shift from this morning until the afternoon, I wasn't expecting to push bodies today. Those are rare cases since I haven't been working at the hospital for a long time. Once or twice I had to export one body to the morgue. I do not care who you are, how strong you can stomach that, but it is never easy. It can't be unless you have the ability to turn off that human emotion. Can you imagine how his familia is doing right now? Actually analyze how they're taking this all in? It's unthinkable really. I feel that his mom took it the worse. Only because she believed that he was going to not be the one like his brother. Word going about is that some cats mistook him for his brother who's been running in and out the game. Homie always asked for a death wish from the shit he was up to. I'm still shocked it wasn't him instead of Leo. But seriously, Leo? That's all I could ask was if this was truly real. Sad truth is that, it is real. It does not get realer than that. I had to take about an hour break after that just to collect myself before I got too deep with the issue.
Sitting in the lounge for a moment I zoned out to some sitcom to help it out. Then attempted to work on some drawing studies. Couldn't expect much from that when the energy was dark. The assignment wasn't coming out like it should have. That's crazy, man. So I asked to leave early. Faked sick. Got to my Pop's place to see my son. That was possibly the thing I looked forward to, besides my Pops going off and ready to pack up if you know what I mean. I went to chill in the living room with Taj and we chillaxed there for a minute until he fell asleep. I try to do the same but lost my connection with it because that lost was still looming since I was that close. You can't pretend like you never been near a lifeless body before. It's no surprise right there. The only surprise is the person sleeping in that bag. The tags just did it for me right there. I'm just glad that some people wisened up and stopped doing the things they did. But sometimes that's never promised. Not with innocents dropping as if they were the ones who were beefing with some fake gangster. That experience is one and only one I fight hard to work my way out of the bullshit. It's not worth much at the end of the day. Not when a life is worth more. Actually it's priceless so why go disposing of that? You know what I mean? That's someone's son, brother, and the rest. If I was dude's brother then that should be that wake up call. Again, people don't catch the drift when it's right there in their face. Up close and personal. Let's remove from that because it's bothering me right now to even continue with that. There's not much else to write about besides the countdown to spring break. I can't afford to go travel off like most students my age. A few day trips might could work but I have a job so it's sticky to plan something. I might take Taj some place. I have to be up on the research about that really. YMCA will def' see my face more frequently so I can bend ankles and catch money from that. One cat I met the last time I hooped it up. Was dumb mad that the other cat with all the mouth caught the flex when he tried taking the pot. He learned then not to get between a nigga and his money. I should see if this kid's mom will do what she needs to do but it's a large doubt that she'll be stepping around.
I can't speak on that issue since it boils me to explain. I get the praises most times whenever I'm out with Taj, and that is fine with me. Only if these people knew what I had and still have to deal with on a daily basis. By all means it is not an easy job. I'm thankful forever, that some sane ones in my fam help me. If not I really do not know what I would do. There were those times when I just wanted to quit. Stop but who will my mans depend on? It can't be his moms. She's unreliable and that's point blank period. Nothing else to speak of. I should coast off this and get the shut eye. Damn shame. One.
|
|
|
| The Vargas Dynamic pt. I |
[ Feb the 23rd] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 DISGUSTED |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
BROOKLYN WE GO HARD » jay-z ft. santigold |
] |
This is black hoody rap. There's no fear in my eyes where they looking at. Better look at map. Over a haze of smoke, a face of a man I much resembles appears. Prominent features say exactly who donated their genes to make me. Telling you this off the top, I can't gather the reason why I was stuck with these people. One way for the most part I see this non-convention as normal, when it isn't at all. Explain to me how a man as old as fifty has the identity of a twenty year old wanting to fill every orifice of some young chick he sees? The problems don't stop there. Why can't he get the picture that things he does aren't always acceptable? Its simple to be tactful about certain things and places, especially at a family gathering. Had I known this dinner a few nights back would be the same like they always were, then I could have saved the embarrassment and worked that shift I turned down. We had one of those sessions where Poppo had to light up a spliff and walk me through the fundamentals of being an adult. Its more than comedy because he truly believes he has the right answers to everything, including why the family I came from is retarded as all fuck. Hypocritical. Un-accepting. Rude. Less than likely to help. Whack. Selfish. Unreliable. The list goes on more than a mile. It's a sad matter to know that we all from the same groin of this fool and he can't accept everyone for who they are. So what if your daughter is a ho who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life besides charge off other niggas. And so what if your very successful older son is gayer than a bag of mad rainbows. So what? That's your son. Man don't push me to start on what he had to say about me. All of this business happened right in front of my kid. I was discussing this bull with Tone's slow ass and finally got the picture why he doesn't interact with his own fam. If I wanted to be around this ignorant table I could have went to mom's place. Speaking on that one, why did she call me this morning asking if I had like five bones on me? Look why don't you ask one of your friends that has bank to loan you half a grand. I got a mouth to feed. Your grandson. Bills to pay. School funds to contribute to because you and your children's father were too irresponsible to save up while I was young. Selfish ass muthafuckas. I swear man. This just further shows me what caution to have over Taj. I don't like it when he has to be around the likes of them. It's not ever my siblings because they have the sense. Fatherless child, mama put double shifts. So the number runners was the only one I hanged widith. Before you know it I'm in the game, bang fidith. Fit no orangutans piddeals ciddaps like orange's I'm dangerous... Those other ones? Man, look. Ok. I should be thankful we all had a male figure around growing up. Most of my peoples I grew up with had none. No pops. Maybe a gramps or uncle but not as involved as my dad. He's the most screwed up one but my homies still go over to his place because they knew he was around and he welcomed them like they were his own. I don't understand much anymore about him. That's my dude, yeah. But he's obviously too closed minded and stuck in his ways. I just don't want to continue explain to Taj about what this man is saying and what he meant or didn't mean. Just last night, he gonna bring my boy back extra late knowing I have classes and a shift right after. What's the point? You should have kept him there. That's me having to wake him up again and go through that cranky fit he tosses my way when I have to get ready. I can't just bring him to his moms, because she's barely around. Nor trust her fam. That's coo' right now, since it only means I don't have to speak to them or her. Abuelita babysits, sometimes my sister if she isn't lost on some other man's dick. Letting Poppo watch him is like last resort damn near. It's just frustrating when you know how you want to raise your extension so they won't have to go through the dumb dumb shit that you went through. I can add that on anything it has helped me become who I am envolving into but it seems like I'm the only one besides Benny who has sense. What still pissed me off was that everyone had lots to say at that table when it could have been done in a better forum for a different time. Come on, man. Not at the dinner table. Not in front of the innocent. I was extra pissed that everyone was jumping on me and Benny like we're the fuck ups. Rewind this back for a minute. Do you know of either of us getting into shit that we know we shouldn't be getting into? Am I out on some corner, or ducking from johnny law on a constant? Can I ride down my street without being stopped because my shit looks suspect as hell? Nah, neither of us is within that category so don't pin that lifestyle on me. I have too much to lose or destroy if that were the case. Of course they know the money is good. Quick to get, and quick to go out. I'm not like my cousins nor the man that's my father.
It's real foolish though to treat your children differently because they're different. I mean I don't care what Benny does with whoever. That's his business. I told him that no matter what he's into...male or female, dude is still my brother that I look up to. Man you can't understand how much it bothers me that no one can see the obvious. Getting off that subject, I have this other interview sometime tomorrow for a different position in the hospital. Something with central services. Pushing, cleaning medical equipment? Classes have to be taken just to get down some medical terminology I guess. It pays more than the shit I'm doing now. I don't want to move another person who engages in these weird ass conversations. Or pushing dead people to the morgue. It does something to you if you dwell on it. The people you meet in the hospital are something else. Then they had me get another TB shot because of the high risk area which some people be in. Taped up and shit. I think those nurses slip on their game when they deal with patients because you're not allowed access to certain areas of the hospital unless you have that clearance. Certainly the clearance I was given had been wrong. So now these people setting me up to die? Bump that for the moment right now. I'm heading out this weekend to some casino, since the high heel wearing cat digs gambling his money away. Thought about putting a few up on some college games but I'm weary about that right there. Out of the loop with the bracket right now but will soon as I find the time to do so. I'm thinking about this local ball squad, heavy. Might hit up a practice and see how these cats ball. Can't really do much at the college so this is close enough. Though I need to go pick up lil manish one and find someone to watch him for a few hours then go take him to visit his granny. Egh. Avoid that woman like the virus. This computer lab is whack as hell too. Upgrade your facilities because really, I can't do much on here but bullshit when I should be rushing this research paper. Papers, and Black studies assignments. I feel like conducting a social experiment and will whenever I figure out what the basis of it is. Until then, I'm out on you chumps. One
|
|
|
|
[ Feb the 16th] |
SPAM | EMAIL | TEXT | VOICEMAIL | WORK | ALL ELSE UNDER THE SUN
f r i e n d s o n l y
|
|
|
| » v i t a l ¨ i n f o « |
[ Feb the 15th] |
|
…Aye, aye what it do my dude? I'm living life dawg, what about you? And I ain't even gotta tell a lie. My swag, my steez got a nigga sky high. So um watch my moves from the shoes on the cool. Be damn if a nigga ain't hot to the roof. Pimp tight, get it right homie more less. I gotta thank God I'm fresh…( » . « ) ( LINES )
|
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
|
|
|