InsaneJournal

Current mood:	DISGUSTED
Current music:	BROOKLYN WE GO HARD » jay-z ft. santigold

The Vargas Dynamic pt. I

This is black hoody rap. There's no fear in my eyes where they looking at. Better look at map.

Over a haze of smoke, a face of a man I much resembles appears. Prominent features say exactly who donated their genes to make me. Telling you this off the top, I can't gather the reason why I was stuck with these people. One way for the most part I see this non-convention as normal, when it isn't at all. Explain to me how a man as old as fifty has the identity of a twenty year old wanting to fill every orifice of some young chick he sees? The problems don't stop there. Why can't he get the picture that things he does aren't always acceptable? Its simple to be tactful about certain things and places, especially at a family gathering. Had I known this dinner a few nights back would be the same like they always were, then I could have saved the embarrassment and worked that shift I turned down. We had one of those sessions where Poppo had to light up a spliff and walk me through the fundamentals of being an adult. Its more than comedy because he truly believes he has the right answers to everything, including why the family I came from is retarded as all fuck. Hypocritical. Un-accepting. Rude. Less than likely to help. Whack. Selfish. Unreliable. The list goes on more than a mile. It's a sad matter to know that we all from the same groin of this fool and he can't accept everyone for who they are. So what if your daughter is a ho who doesn't know what she wants to do with her life besides charge off other niggas. And so what if your very successful older son is gayer than a bag of mad rainbows. So what? That's your son. Man don't push me to start on what he had to say about me. All of this business happened right in front of my kid. I was discussing this bull with Tone's slow ass and finally got the picture why he doesn't interact with his own fam. If I wanted to be around this ignorant table I could have went to mom's place. Speaking on that one, why did she call me this morning asking if I had like five bones on me? Look why don't you ask one of your friends that has bank to loan you half a grand. I got a mouth to feed. Your grandson. Bills to pay. School funds to contribute to because you and your children's father were too irresponsible to save up while I was young. Selfish ass muthafuckas. I swear man. This just further shows me what caution to have over Taj. I don't like it when he has to be around the likes of them. It's not ever my siblings because they have the sense.

Fatherless child, mama put double shifts. So the number runners was the only one I hanged widith. Before you know it I'm in the game, bang fidith. Fit no orangutans piddeals ciddaps like orange's I'm dangerous...

Those other ones? Man, look. Ok. I should be thankful we all had a male figure around growing up. Most of my peoples I grew up with had none. No pops. Maybe a gramps or uncle but not as involved as my dad. He's the most screwed up one but my homies still go over to his place because they knew he was around and he welcomed them like they were his own. I don't understand much anymore about him. That's my dude, yeah. But he's obviously too closed minded and stuck in his ways. I just don't want to continue explain to Taj about what this man is saying and what he meant or didn't mean. Just last night, he gonna bring my boy back extra late knowing I have classes and a shift right after. What's the point? You should have kept him there. That's me having to wake him up again and go through that cranky fit he tosses my way when I have to get ready. I can't just bring him to his moms, because she's barely around. Nor trust her fam. That's coo' right now, since it only means I don't have to speak to them or her. Abuelita babysits, sometimes my sister if she isn't lost on some other man's dick. Letting Poppo watch him is like last resort damn near. It's just frustrating when you know how you want to raise your extension so they won't have to go through the dumb dumb shit that you went through. I can add that on anything it has helped me become who I am envolving into but it seems like I'm the only one besides Benny who has sense. What still pissed me off was that everyone had lots to say at that table when it could have been done in a better forum for a different time. Come on, man. Not at the dinner table. Not in front of the innocent. I was extra pissed that everyone was jumping on me and Benny like we're the fuck ups. Rewind this back for a minute. Do you know of either of us getting into shit that we know we shouldn't be getting into? Am I out on some corner, or ducking from johnny law on a constant? Can I ride down my street without being stopped because my shit looks suspect as hell? Nah, neither of us is within that category so don't pin that lifestyle on me. I have too much to lose or destroy if that were the case. Of course they know the money is good. Quick to get, and quick to go out. I'm not like my cousins nor the man that's my father.


It's real foolish though to treat your children differently because they're different. I mean I don't care what Benny does with whoever. That's his business. I told him that no matter what he's into...male or female, dude is still my brother that I look up to. Man you can't understand how much it bothers me that no one can see the obvious. Getting off that subject, I have this other interview sometime tomorrow for a different position in the hospital. Something with central services. Pushing, cleaning medical equipment? Classes have to be taken just to get down some medical terminology I guess. It pays more than the shit I'm doing now. I don't want to move another person who engages in these weird ass conversations. Or pushing dead people to the morgue. It does something to you if you dwell on it. The people you meet in the hospital are something else. Then they had me get another TB shot because of the high risk area which some people be in. Taped up and shit. I think those nurses slip on their game when they deal with patients because you're not allowed access to certain areas of the hospital unless you have that clearance. Certainly the clearance I was given had been wrong. So now these people setting me up to die? Bump that for the moment right now. I'm heading out this weekend to some casino, since the high heel wearing cat digs gambling his money away. Thought about putting a few up on some college games but I'm weary about that right there. Out of the loop with the bracket right now but will soon as I find the time to do so. I'm thinking about this local ball squad, heavy. Might hit up a practice and see how these cats ball. Can't really do much at the college so this is close enough. Though I need to go pick up lil manish one and find someone to watch him for a few hours then go take him to visit his granny. Egh. Avoid that woman like the virus. This computer lab is whack as hell too. Upgrade your facilities because really, I can't do much on here but bullshit when I should be rushing this research paper. Papers, and Black studies assignments. I feel like conducting a social experiment and will whenever I figure out what the basis of it is. Until then, I'm out on you chumps. One